For the Love of Pete
by Mr. Miagi's Banana Factory
Summary: Sephiroth has his own talk show. Cloud goes insane and Rufus flirts with himself in mirrors. Yah, Reno.. sits there. READ!!!


Mr. Miagi's Banana Factory owns nothing.

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Sephiroth: Hi there, I'm your host, the babilicious Sephiroth, and you're watching "For the Love of Pete". Today I'm interviewing a few nice lil' people. These lucky dudes are: Cloud Strife, when in a scrape he can use his multi purpose hair as a grappling hook, harpoon, an old fashion quill pen, and much much more! Rufus Shinra, don't piss him off or otherwise the Lil' Prez will sue ya and then stick the Turks on you! Finally there's Reno… Reno, that's it? Whatever, part of the Turks, likes all alcohol including the rubbing type! Please give a hand for our three guests!

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Audience: *applauds* 

*Cloud, Rufus, and Reno walk on set and sit in chairs*

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Sephiroth: Okay, Cloud, we'll start with you. First, we have a question from a Sephiroth fan girl *smiles* that says, "Why the hell did you kill Sephiroth? He's so beautiful. I hate you!" Ya, now I want to know, why did you kill me? I mean, I was only going to destroy the planet we live on.

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Cloud: That was the reason. That and I didn't like your hair jokes. They are mean and insensitive… they hurt my feelings.

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Reno: Heheh!! Pansy ass! *takes swig of vodka*

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Cloud: Don't make fun of me!!

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Sephiroth: Okay, Cloud, I want to know, do you think that I am a gorgeous hunk of beef cake?

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Cloud: I guess so….

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Sephiroth: Then your reason for killing me was an inadequate one. Next question… this was from a Palmer fan girl… crap! Those things are rare dude! Anyway, it says, "Cloud, why don't you start shaving your scalp and gain a big lardy stomach? You'd look really sexy." Okay… that kid must be on crack… So Cloud, why don't you shave your scalp and grow a nice lardy jelly belly?

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Cloud: She's making fun of me isn't she! WHY CAN'T YOU JUST EXCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM??!!!

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Sephiroth: I dunno… Now Cloud, I have a question of my own. Do you prefer to use your hair as a dagger or a can opener?

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Cloud: I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!! *runs off set*

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Sephiroth: Well, that's one less person to worry about. Rufus Shinra, how ya doin?

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Rufus: I'm fine… much more fine than an ugly fuck like you. *starts flirting with self in portable mirror*

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Sephiroth: Hate to break it to ya but I'm considered to be the hot guy of the game so please… *breaks Rufus' mirror*

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Rufus: Remind me to kill you.

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Sephiroth: Hey now, we're not on Jenny Jones here. This is supposed to be a "friendly" talk show.

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Rufus: Fine.

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Sephiroth: Okay. Here's a question from one of your fan girls… *evilly* My, those are even more rare than Palmer fan girls!

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Rufus: HOW DARE YOU!!!

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Sephiroth: I just said straight and honest truth.

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Rufus: It just so happens that I have plenty of fan girls and if you like, I'll even let you see the mountains of letters in my mansion you faggot!

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Sephiroth: I'm afraid that you are the only gay one here pal.

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Reno: But, Sephiroth, what about last night when you came to my place and we-

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Sephiroth: SHUT UP!!!

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Reno: Oh… okay…

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Rufus: Anyway, what was the question that my fan wanted to ask me?

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Sephiroth: Okay, right, it says, "Rufus, you're hot. Will you marry me?"

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Rufus: No. Next question.

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Sephiroth: Here's one from another one of my adoring fans. It says, "I've for a long time been a Sephiroth fan but I now find you to be hotter. Will you be my boyfriend?" WHAT THE FUCK??!!!! HE IS SO NOT HOTTER THAN ME!!!

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Rufus: It just so happens that your… fan… believes that I am. And to answer her question, no.

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Sephiroth: Okay, next question… this one's from another Sephiroth fan. "Rufus Shinra, I hate you for trying to kill Sephy- baby and I hope you die. By the way, why is the sky blue?"

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Rufus: I really don't care if you hate me, you are not the only one in the world who does after all. Also, I could care less why the sky is blue.

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Sephiroth: Okay. Now a question from me. Is it true that you and Tseng of the Turks have something going on? *smiles maliciously*

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Rufus: *shugs* Yep. We play a few rounds of poker every Thursday. Anything else?

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Sephiroth: Come on! There has to be something going on more than poker!

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Rufus: Nope. 

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Sephiroth: Fine. If you had to rate my hottness on a scale from 1-10, what would I be?

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Rufus: Can I use negatives?

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Sephiroth: Know what? No! Get off the set dammit!

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Rufus: You can't kick out the president!!

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Sephiroth: I just did! OUT!!

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Rufus: FINE!!! *walks out*

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Sephiroth: Okay, and now to talk with our last guest on this show. Hey ya pookie… er.. I mean, Reno.

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Reno: Hey. 

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Sephiroth: Okay, I've got a question for you from one of your fans. "Reno, what's your favorite alcohol?" 

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Reno: Um… probably Dutch whiskey… that or cheep beer.

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Sephiroth: Right. Here's one from one of those damn Rufus groupies. "Reno, do you think that Rufus is sexy?" To answer the question for him, no way in hell.

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Reno: Actually, he's not that bad.

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Sephiroth: YOU'RE SIDING WITH HIM??!!!

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Reno: Sorry, babe, but I kinda need to keep my job.

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Sephiroth: I guess you're right. One from a Vincent Valentine fan. "Vincent's hot! Could you get his voice on tape recorder for me?"

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Reno: Uh, I guess so. *yells to crowd* Hey, Vinnie, could ya say a few words?

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Vincent: ….. …. …….. …… ..!!!!

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Reno: K, thanks bud.

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Sephiroth: Okay, we're almost out of time so I have one last question for you. We're on for tonight, right?

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Reno: Yah.

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Sephiroth: Cool.

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Rufus: *back stage* I KNEW YOU GUYS WERE QUEER!!!

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Cloud: *backstage* ALL THIS NEGATIVETY!!! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE!!! AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

*cloud bursts out from backstage and starts stabbing people randomly with his hair*

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Sephiroth: Thanks for watching and we'll see you next time on "For the Love of Pete." Thank you very much. 

*Sephiroth tackles Cloud*

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Rufus: *getting face in camera* Hi y'all. I'm the totally sexy Rufus Shinra and, unlike Sephiroth, I'm not queer! Vote for me!!!

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Sephiroth: Get away from the camera you bastard! *destroys camera*

*camera goes black* 


End file.
